You can feel it. The eye rolls. The dismissive tone. The way she talks over you or makes decisions without consulting you. Maybe it's subtle. Maybe it's blatant. Either way, you know: your wife doesn't respect you. And it's eating you alive.
This is one of the most painful experiences a man can endure in marriage. Respect is to a man what love is to a woman: essential, non-negotiable, oxygen for the soul. When it's gone, everything feels wrong.
But here's the hard truth you need to hear: respect is earned, not owed. And before you can get it back, you need to understand why you lost it.
Why Respect Erodes
Respect rarely disappears overnight. It erodes gradually, often through patterns the man himself doesn't recognize. Here are the most common reasons:
You Stopped Leading
When you stopped making decisions, stopped taking initiative, stopped providing direction, something in her perception of you shifted. She needed a partner. She got a passenger. Women can't maintain respect for men who won't lead.
You Don't Keep Your Word
Every promise you've broken, every commitment you've failed to honor, every "I'll do it tomorrow" that became never. These add up. A man whose word means nothing is a man who can't be trusted. Trust and respect are inseparable.
You've Become Weak
Not physically, though that can be part of it. Emotionally weak. Spiritually weak. A man who crumbles under pressure, who can't handle hard things, who falls apart when life gets difficult. Weakness repels respect.
You Seek Her Approval Constantly
Paradoxically, the more you seek her approval, the less she respects you. A man who needs constant validation is a man who doesn't know his own worth. That's not attractive. That's needy.
You Don't Respect Yourself
This is the deepest one. If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect her to? If you tolerate disrespect without addressing it, you teach her that disrespecting you is acceptable. If you've let yourself go, stopped growing, stopped trying, you've shown her you don't think you're worth the effort.
What Won't Work
Before discussing solutions, let's eliminate approaches that fail:
Demanding Respect
"You need to respect me!" has never produced genuine respect in the history of marriage. You can't force it. You can't argue for it. Demanded respect isn't respect at all. It's compliance at best, and usually not even that.
Playing the Victim
Complaining that she doesn't respect you while doing nothing to become more respectable changes nothing. It just confirms her perception. A victim is not a leader. Leaders solve problems rather than complaining about them.
Becoming Aggressive
Some men think the solution to being seen as weak is to become domineering. This doesn't create respect. It creates fear, resentment, or both. Aggression is not strength. It's often weakness trying to disguise itself.
Giving Up
Withdrawing completely, checking out, becoming indifferent. This might feel like protecting yourself, but it just accelerates the erosion. You can't rebuild respect from a position of absence.
The Path to Earning Respect Back
Respect returns when you become respectable. Not through words or demands, but through consistent action over time. Here's how:
1. Become a Man of Your Word
This is foundational. Say what you mean. Do what you say. Every single time. If you commit to something, move heaven and earth to follow through. Under-promise and over-deliver until your word is iron.
This takes time. You're rebuilding trust that eroded over years. But every kept commitment adds a brick to the foundation of respect.
2. Start Leading Again
Take initiative. Make decisions. Plan things without being asked. Stop waiting for her to tell you what to do and start telling yourself. You don't need permission to lead your own life and family.
She may resist at first. She's used to the old dynamic. Lead anyway. Consistency will prove you're serious.
3. Develop Yourself
Get in shape. Develop skills. Pursue goals. A man who is growing commands respect. A man who is stagnant becomes furniture. Show her, and yourself, that you're still building something.
4. Handle Problems Like a Man
When difficulties arise, step toward them rather than away. Handle conflict directly. Make hard decisions. Deal with issues instead of avoiding them. A man who can handle life's challenges earns respect. A man who hides from them loses it.
5. Stop Seeking Her Approval
Make decisions based on what's right, not what will keep her happy. Have opinions and hold them. Don't change your stance every time she pushes back. A man who is solid in himself is a man worth respecting.
This doesn't mean ignoring her input. It means having a self that exists independent of her approval.
6. Set and Hold Boundaries
If she's actively disrespecting you, contemptuous language, belittling you in front of others, dismissing you constantly, you need to address it directly. Not with anger. With calm clarity. "I won't be spoken to that way. When you're ready to have a respectful conversation, I'm here."
Then hold the line. A man who tolerates disrespect teaches people to disrespect him.
The Internal Work
The external changes matter, but they must be built on internal shifts:
Know Your Worth
You are not defined by her opinion of you. Your value doesn't fluctuate based on how she treats you on any given day. You need to develop a solid sense of who you are that isn't dependent on her validation.
Stop Taking It Personally
Her disrespect likely says more about the dynamic you've both created than about your inherent worth. Yes, it hurts. But letting it devastate you gives her power she shouldn't have over your sense of self.
Accept Responsibility
Whatever her behavior, focus on your part. What did you do, or fail to do, that contributed to this dynamic? You can only change yourself. That's where your energy should go.
Find Other Sources of Validation
A man who gets all his validation from his wife is too dependent on her. Develop relationships with other men. Pursue achievement in your work. Build a life where her respect matters, but isn't everything.
What About Her Part?
Yes, she has responsibility too. Disrespect is wrong regardless of what you've done. She's accountable for how she treats you.
But here's what you need to understand: you cannot control her behavior. You can only control yours. And often, when you change, the dynamic changes. When you become more respectable, respect often follows.
If you've genuinely become a respectable man and she still treats you with contempt, that's a different conversation. At that point, you may need professional help to address what's broken, or to make hard decisions about the future of the marriage. But most men aren't there yet. Most men haven't done the work.
How Long Does This Take?
Respect wasn't lost overnight and won't be restored overnight. You're talking months, not days. Sometimes years, depending on how deep the erosion went.
There will be testing. She'll push to see if this is real or just another phase. She's been disappointed before. She needs to see consistency over time before she'll believe you've actually changed.
This requires patience without passivity. Keep showing up. Keep leading. Keep being a man of your word. Trust the process even when you don't see immediate results.
The Man She Married
Somewhere along the way, you stopped being the man she fell in love with. Maybe gradually. Maybe suddenly. But something changed, and respect left with it.
The good news: that man isn't gone. He's just buried under years of passivity, fear, and self-neglect. The work now is excavation. Digging out the man you were designed to be. Becoming someone who commands respect not through demand but through character.
Your wife doesn't owe you respect. But she will likely give it to a man who deserves it. Become that man.
Lions don't beg for respect. They earn it by being lions.
Ready to Become Respectable?
If you're ready to do the work of becoming a man who commands respect, Dr. Hines works with men who are serious about transformation.
Work With Dr. Hines